Surrender

We say we believe in the unity of all of life, the oneness of all of life, that the Infinite Intelligence that I call God, Life, Spirit, Yahweh, Allah, Love Itself, is within all people, it is the only thing there is. The test: to see beauty in even the most ugly of things. To know God within myself and to see it in others, even though the appearance seems unlike this.

I’m being stretched more in my life now than ever have imagined before. Oh, the trials of cultural adjustment. Ukraine helped set the stage, yet this is even more so a test of trust and surrender. It feels as though you’re stripped of everything you know, everything you think you know, the control you wish you could have and keep, all the ways you attach yourself to the way “things should be because this is what I know” about life, people, cultures, etc. Humility. Compassion for where I am. Gentleness and forgiveness for all the moments I step out of accountability, integrity, or being conscious because for a moment I’m blinded by this attachment, this need for control, for comfort, for familiarity, for order, balance, for things to work according to how I feel they “should, “ for my security, my sake. How interesting isn’t it, for me to see myself in the midst of my anger, my reaction to all that is, to all that appears to be lacking beauty? How easy it is to judge, complain, seek to make wrong, to change, mock, and criticize what is uncomfortable, “not working, “ wrong, ridiculous, corrupt, this culture, this country, the ways, the systems. Yes, it is some of these things. And yet, it keeps me in suffering, in separation the longer I identify and am burdened by it. And…I’m allowed to feel all these emotions, to see them as just that, emotions. They aren’t who I am. They do not define me, yet they are part of me, part of the shadow parts of me..the parts that show up to reveal to me those places within me that still are seeking to be healed, loved, nurtured, supported, comforted and tended to. It gives me the contrast of light and dark. I am full of life, love, peace, joy, light. I am a light beam of pure Spirit. This is who I am. I said just today that I wish for one day, that things would just go well in this city for me. I feel this overwhelm of questions of “How does that make sense to overcharge for shitty quality when everything is falling apart?” “Why does this system work this way?” Why do people throw trash on the ground in the home they live in, where they walk, play, etc? Why is customer service not understood and people do not give a shit about that? Why are these silly rules created that completely contradict other rules when most aren’t even enforced to begin with yet they are created on the spot when they feel like it? Why do people not commit to their word and instead decide to change their minds as to what your agreement is? Why am I charged extra from a random worker at a tourist site who offers his information about a famous historical ancient site, without even my acknowledgment or agreement that I even want a tour guide let alone someone to tell me the history of this place simply because you want me to tip you? Forcing yourself on me so that I must oblige, be manipulated into feeling bad for not listening so that I can pay you?. How is that within integrity when I must then be rude and disoblige and refuse when you offer your services and just start speaking about the place that peaks my curiosity because you know that in the end, I’ll tip you for it? Why do I walk through numerous metal detectors guarded with security, my purse semi if at all looked through, me beeping and everyone beeping as they go through, when it does absolutely nothing? Why would you have me go through a detector, have me and everyone else beep and do nothing about it? You aren’t REALLY checking security, its humorously just for looks to make people “think” you are protecting or searching themThe “WHY’s” could go on forever, and today, I realized that WHY isn’t really the right question. It, in no way, supports me or helps me in moving into acceptance. It is a wasteful question. Who knows why? And does it really matter if that is just the way it is right now? So….I am going to come up with different questions to ask myself, that really guide me into alignment of putting attention where I want my life to be, as Rev. Barbara Leger would say. There is room for all the feelings that go along with this experience. And of course, I will continue to think “What in the world… or Why the hell is it this way?” yet I’ll maybe get to practice asking the more important questions.

I’m grappling with this while living here. When I can get past my own self identifications and expectations that I’ve held of how I feel this country and these people would change because I think they should for me to feel at ease, in trust, and comfortable..when I can see that below the surface, below the nasty stares, the manipulations, the ugliest of things I’m experiencing or seeing, that there is Love there, Divine Intelligence that also created this person, when I can let go of all expectations of how I want “them” to change for me to be comfortable, the need to be right, accepting everything and everyone just as it is, just as they are….when I can truly put my attention on what feels good, be a place of love, a person of compassion, gentle with myself, when I can surrender what I think I know or wish I knew to God….forgive myself for all my moments of disconnect or childishness, judgment or angry outburst….I will be truly free, I will be truly in joy.

This I am certain, and the journey, well, it continues…